sweet_damage

dear journal:.

well for christmas, i got some real cool stuff. i got an internet radio, which is really good- because you can choose the stations that you want on it from all over the world. i also got a lot of cds, and dvds- like touched by an angel, medium, victoria wood, peter k, and others. also had turkey with potatoes and batters. but i'm glad it's over- i think next year, i'm not going to do christmas. all that preparation, and it's over quicker than it's begun. it's just stupid- who needs christmas?. you can open presents and eat turkey any time of the year really, i don't see what all the fuss is about. well i've been feeling terrible, even though no one really cares- more sleepless nights, and more just pretending everything's fine and i'ts not. not sure what i'm going to do for new year, probably lock myself away as normal- i hate new year. the pain and the suffering starts all over again. uggg. well, i'll write later, journal.

dear journal:. well, as usual, i've not been up to much. yesterday, i got 1 of my fave movies on dvd, the christmas bunny. no matter how many times i watch that, it's still a really nice film. you know sometimes you just get those things where you just have to watch it time and time again?. well, this is 1 of those films. i watched it today, along with something on tv called please, sir. a film from 1971 about some kids that go to camp with disasterers results. you know, it's only a week sunday until christmas?. i was only thinking about that today- the year went really quick!. or at least, not all the year.. but december seems to be. yesterday i watched a programme about news stories that shook the world. made me realise how fast time is actually going. for example, it showed the 9/11 attacks and the 7/7 bombings, and it just seems like yesterday. it really does. oh, a friend of mine, mathew, is a singer now. he showed me some of his songs- and he's really good. right now, they are only cover versions of songs, but he hopes to release original material, and 1 day put them on cd. well, maybe friend's not really the word- more like just someone i know. i've not quite made up my mind yet if i like him or not. he's okay, i just don't like the way he sees things sometimes. i've a new cd, the new album by jls- so i'll probably listen to that later. well that's after i've watched touched by an angel, you should know that i always watch that now. if there's anything i want for christmas, then it's the box set of that. it's 1 of the few shows i watch every time it's on, and it's a nice reminder that there are some nice people in the world left. nice people are hard to find, as you know. not really sure what else i have to say, nothing i don't think. these days it does not take me long to say all i need to say, because truth is, there is not really much to say. only reason i'm posting is because i always tell myself i'll update my journal, but never actually update it. so, i'll talk later.

darkness around me... not a sound can be heard. only my heavy breathing and the distant sound of screaming and voices speaking harshly

i look around.... nothing around me. yet something is telling me i can't move, because if i did, surely something bad would happen

i speak out, speak so that the whole world can hear. am i speaking to the emptyness?. maybe so- but the voices inside me control my actions, they control my every movement...

they are telling me to be still, so that is how i remain- still and silent

then a sudden change... i can smell something in the air. blood?. yes.... it's blood, but where is the sorce?

i get all hot and shaky- pannic is taking over

voices are loud and peercing- no, don't shoot, don't hurt me!.

i look around me again- there are shadows, men in coats holding knives, women clinging on to life, little children huddled together in fear.

i reach out- yes, i can touch 1 of the people.

i cling to her and say.. it's okay, you're safe now- you will not be hurt. he will not hurt you.

but still, the screaming rages on- and the smell of blood is so strong
i try and calm myself.. but it fails to work... fails to give me any comfort.

then... blackness.

i can't feel anything, only a sort of floating sensation. almost like my body and soul are not joined together- i'm cold. i'm shaking all over like i've been frozen in the artic for days. i'm trying to think of something... anything to get me out of this. all i can think of- is please, please don't see me like this

then, it stops and is replaced by another sensation. it's almost like i'm laid out on an operating table, looking down at the croud. i feel nice- i feel like i'm in the sunshine and i smile to myself.

though i can't comunicate, and don't know where i am, the feeling of safety is wonderful- feeling so warm and secure.

as it wears away, my brain goes in to a sort of hyperdrive- thinking thoughts like, what am i doing here, am i missing anything, what if people are angry at me?

and then, it ends.
it seemed like forever, i check my watch... time seems to be dragging on ever so slowly

another few hours, and i'll be back to normal

but until then, i'll just wait....

dear journal:. yes, i know.. it's been a while since i've written, near the end of november actually. i always tell myself i'm going to keep up with it every day like i used to, but i somehow don't. really can't see why not- guess i just have so little to say, that or i'm doing other things, but i think the first 1 sounds more like me. well, firstly, decemeber is here. i can not actually believe i've been writing to you for this long. hey, this time last year i was writing about my advent calendar and how i hated/ liked ben 10, remember?. and secondly, who would have thought that i'm actually still here. unfortunately, yes... i'm still here:(. i'm not sure if i told you or not, but my suicide pact with emily never happened- my mum fucked it up, she won't tell me though- she's playing the game  as usual. it's people that her that make me think.... omg what the fuck is up with people!. they know that i need help, and most people know what i go through- because i've explained it. but they won't listen, that's not my problem.. it's like living behind glass sometimes. you know.. sometimes it's so difficult, and really want to scream- but if i do it just goes unheard. i think what people sometimes fail to realise is, the reason i'm getting worse and worse, is because it's being left untreated- and it's just getting out of my control. well, i've not really done much. i've got a nicer advent calendar this year, i can't remember which one it is- but it sure is better than the ben 10 one i had last year. i've been eating that every day, well i've not had today's yet- but i will. i got a few new cds- 1 direction which came out the X-factor, who are very good. it's nice to know that the X-factor was good for something. also got a new dvd, jane air which is a black and white movie from 1943, so it's old but really good. apart from that, all i've been really doing is listening to music, and watching tv. someone called heather saulseberry came to enquire about me moving out my mum's house, but like the others- all she's really interested in is herself. not my problems, at all. well, okay, granted she's not really a specialist in suicidal people and anxiety and things, but at least she could take a fucking interest. sheesh!. must i really live like this?. where the only person who can truly recognize how i'm feeling, is... wait for it, myself?. yeah journal, it's a fucking joke. my days are filled with sadness and suicidal feelings, my nights are filled with sleeplessness and helusinations. uggg. i feel zombified. well enough about me... i'll tell you about the rest of my family. well, my brother has a new bike. yeah, he finally has his own form of transport- past his bike test second time round, and failed his theory by 1 mark. but, that still does not stop him from enjoying it. well, we all think that perhaps he needs a smaller bike (it's far too big for him) and he can't even pick it up. he has a habbit of dropping it on the driveway- and then getting extremely irate about it. but at least it gives him freedom, which i suppose is what he wants really. he's old enough now. he might even get a car next year, hard to really think about that.. not sure why, but it just is. my sister has been driving us crazy with her singing, i know she wants to be on the x factor and she had to practice, but i think she's the worst singer i've come across. and, my mum's been in africa again dealing with the children's shelter- she's helping build it. i'm sure she really enjoys helping the lesser privilaged. well, let's seee.... oh yeah, yesterday i got a weird phone call. well, they kept calling me back- it was like i was stuck in a confrence call or something. it really freaked me out- and i was going to call the police about it, but as it turns out it was 1 of my mum's friends work phones. still, they were very rude and i'm not sure if that's allowed in the work place, but what ever. also watched a programme on dwarfism. it followed 3 people, 4, 6, and 37, and the daily battles they faced with being so small. 4 foot 2 to 4 foot 5. so yeah, another dull journal entry reaches the end. i'll write later- i just felt like i need to post something, before i forgot- i always said i'd do it, but never actually did. 

   Bloody Tragedy



You can scream and run,

But you can't escape your own fate.

You see in his hands a gun,

And you realize it's far too late.

You scream bloody murder,

But nobody even cares.

You see him pull the trigger back further,

And you notice for the first time those bloodthirsty glares.

As the bullet pierces your chest,

You begin to feel your life slip away.

You realize you were just his experimental test,

And now he's gone and ended your days.

As you now lie in a pool of your own blood,

He begins to circle like a savage beast.

When you had hit the floor with a thud,

You saw in his eyes that he had cared the least.

Again you scream in agony,

And again nobody hears.

Of him you beg for mercy,

But in him you find none, only murderous leers.

You never dreamed it could come to this;

You remember all those precious moments.

You always yearned for his kiss,

But now you understand nothing can be permanent.

You shiver as he begins to speak,

And his tone makes your blood run cold.

He laughs in your face when you shriek,

And you don't know how you found in him a heart of gold.

He says it's time now,

And you don't have to wonder what for.

He's put on a good show,

But he suddenly uncovers more.

Once again he pulls out his rifle,

And this time the job he started he means to finish.

Your horrified gasps you try hard to stifle,

As what life you have left is soon to diminish.

You cringe as he readies himself for the final strike;

For his first shot had regrettably missed.

This time, it feels as if he's stabbed you with a pike,

And this time you're gone as approvingly he hissed.

From beyond it's always easier to play witness,

Because you're not there for the crazed laughter he emits to this parody.

It's now time to go, and behind you you leave all this madness;

This terribly malicious bloody tragedy.

When you gave into the hatred, it was a path you did pave;

One which led to the digging of your grave.

Now in your grave you fearfully lye,

As you curl up and wait to die.

Impatiently awaiting till your life is devoid,

It's apparent this path was one you couldn't avoid.

Trapped within, no one can hear your pitiful screaming,

As the mind is thrust into eternal dreaming.

Cries muffled by the coffin walls,

You realize how pathetic are your desperate calls.

Rapidly the air begins to deteriorate,

And your lungs too painfully incinerate.

As if on fire from the inside out,

You once again utter an unheard shout.

Your breath becomes short and ragged,

While your sight becomes blurred and jagged.

It's as if your spiraling down a funnel;

One that follows an endless tunnel.

Inch by inch, fraction by fraction.

All your life you had wanted some action.

Vigorously you fight tooth and nail,

But unfortunately it's all to no avail.

Now all that remains are smothered gasps--

Ones that sound more like deadly rasps.

Screaming in agony your body does shriek,

But it's the afterlife your bones do seek.

Your eyelids close,

And your strength too goes.

Your will to live dwindles fast,

As across your vision runs your past.

Weakened by the strenuous effort, your body does give,

As on and on you no longer live.

When the death rattle hisses from your tired soul,

You feel your lungs burn like dying embers on coal.

Fresh in your grave but already nothing but bone;

Flesh and blood as cold as stone.

Eyes as sunken as deflated balloons;

Tears as dry as desert dunes.

When you walk along a hateful path,

In time you'll experience its ruthless wrath.

Hatred can truly consume;

Therefore leading to your immediate doom.

Slipping into the eternal slumber,

Isn't as bad as waiting your number.

All those years and you wish you did listen,

As in the moonlight the gravedigger's shovel does glisten.

It's quite sound being six feet under,

Because all has gone including the thunder.

All the fury you've ever felt,

Is nothing more than a weathered pelt.

Tranquility seizes power,

As happily you rest every hour.

Alive in the mind's grave you have been buried,

As away and down your subconcious your hatred is carried.
 

dear journal:. well, what's been going on then. well- first off, i'd like to tell you about my friend ashley. she's amazing, and understands me fully- we play on rs games almost every evening now. i'm not sure what happened to cheryl- we tend to talk anymore, wonder if i did anything wrong or if she's just doing other things. for some reason, i had a feeling that our friendship would not last too long. also, i've not really spoken much to jodesi either- though i think she's been online, just at the wrong time. not really much to say for myself this week, just watching tv and being on the computer. mum got back on monday and she said how much she enjoyed africa. she's going back tomorrow for a wedding which she really is looking forward to. the only thing worth talking about is the fact that today i had someone come round to talk about maybe moving in to support living. given my limited indipendence, it probably won't happen- yet it was still a very interesting meeting. i'll write later- when i actually have something worth while saying.  

dear journal:. well, i have far more energy than usual- but i know it won't last, unfortunately. firstly, my mother's coming home tomorrow. she's been ibn africa helping build a shelter for disadvantaged children, so it's been really peaceful. though because i don't feel safe around her, i know the good feelings will only last for today, if that. it's really ashame they didon't come sooner, because ideally i would have liked more time to enjoy them. never mind though. yesterday i met a girl called jodesi. not sure what came over me, but i ended up telling her all about my voices and my helusinating etc. not sure if i should, but sometimes it just comes out, and i don't mean it to. but i blame myself- it's just a natural reaction. i don't like telling people i've just met all about me, but it's not my fault- it's just a natural reaction. i hope she still talks to me- and is not scared off. yesterday, i watched a programme called police interceptors about police in essex. kind of like road wars. it was really good. i didon't get any sleep last night as usual, but hey- what's new in that department. the only time i can actually get proper sleep is if i'm away from the house. i can't wait for christmas- just wish it would hurry up!. december seems so far awqay, i want it to be here tomorrow- with all the gifts etc. and i want chocolates:). you know, the quality streets i have every year. well, i'll write later. love you journal, and as usual- thanks for being here for me.

well, this week has not really been that good.

first off, let me tell you about my friend cheryl. we met a while back on rs games. now i meet with her every night- and she seems to understand about my voices etc, and about my " valleys" and " mountaintops". lately we've not been meeting though, she's been on holiday seeing her grandson but we've kept in touch through email which is something. what's more, i've not lost her as a friend yet- which is usually the case, because i'm simply no good at keeping friends, face to face or online. that is something good that came out   the week. on thursday, we were meant to be going to see colin fry in auldershot. however, as you know (i've told you loads of times) i'm really anxious about leaving the house- i can't stand the crowds, if you even need to know- i've told you so much!. anyway i got really anxious and my voices took over- they told me to tear the tickets up which i did, but later in the same night i got the strangest feeling of guilt. that happens a lot to me, my voices tell me to do things- and i've no idea what i'm doing. it's a horrible feeling. my friend anna hilton though experiences the same thing, and we talk about it sometimes. joined a new support group on fb, which i'm not really used to posting to facebook groups, but it's okay. i've got facebook mail, and they send me when someone posts to the group- and i've got an email address to send when ever i need to use it. wrote some pretty nasty emails- again, not that i meant to- the voices told me to. wrote some more poems (which i've also posted today). and i've also been trying to download a song called christmas in the city, but it's not actually released to the public. the only place it's on is a website called west 1 music productions, but because it's for professionals only- i guess i won't be getting the track, shame.. it's a great song. feeling wise... been feeling terrible, voices have been really loud and helusinating's been pretty bad too. today not too bad though, having 1 of my " up days". oh yeah, and the music channels have started playing christmas music- yay!. you know christmas is here when the channels start playing it. well, i love you journal- and i'll write later.

touching the sky (poem about being high then falling)

hurt it just does not exist,

suffering's no more

seems all the dark disturbing thoughts

they are gone, just like before
it feels like adrenilin,

running through my vains

it feels oh so beautiful,

being free from painn

anything's worth fighting for,

when you are this high

i can be  what ever,

i can touch the sky....

superman has met his match,

he'll not be famous soon,

i'll be the hero you all adore,

flying round the planet, zoom!

but i mustn't overdo it,

i know this feeling's great,

but if i fall and hurt myself,

then i will be irate

maybe i'm exagerating,

maybe i can't fly,

but in my soul and in my thoughts,

i can touch the sky...

sometimes it is wonderful,

the chance to fool around

making cat and dog noises,

and other stupid sounds

or singing bob the builder,

cos i'm his greatest fan,

can bob the builder fix it?

i'll tell you, yes he can!

i don't like that normally,

stopped watching really young,

but right now i can touch the sky,

so time for some childish fun....

people they don't get it,

they don't quite comprehend,

how 1 minit i feel happy,

and have the strength to mend

the next minit i am down again,

i have lost all hope,

i've given up on life itself,

hanging by a rope

i tell them that it's not my fault,  the cycle goes around.

1 minit i can touch the sky, you all want me around

but other times i don't exist,

i'm lost inside my head

it seems the voices are alive,

the real me is dead...

sometimes i'm called a baby,

not really acting my age

but i guess i'm kind of used to that,

not everyone is at that stage

where they want to understand you,

they want to find things out,

they don't know what highs and lows,

are really all about

and now as my high point,

is coming to an end,

i'll hide inside myself again,

guess i'll just pretend,

that everything is normal,

but inside i want to cry,

and i know somewhere in this world,

someone's reaching for the sky

they are living my experience,

they are taking flight

they can't see no darkness,

only hope and light

i wonder to myself,

as the cycle starts again,

that if the sky is falling,

what would i do then?

i look in to the distance,

i don't see anything

that makes me want to live again,

that makes me want to sing
but something deep inside of me,

it's waiting to arise,

and who knows but anytime soon,

i will touch the skies...