Log in

No account? Create an account
i want a mummy

i really want a mummy i do because my real one is really horible and she really hurts me an she won't talk to any of us anymore and she never was a good mummy and that and so if i had a good mummy she would give me a kiss and she would give me a cuddle and she would let me sit on her lap and she would read me fun stories about princesses and she would read me peppa pig and she would sing me songs and she would watch frozen with me and she would buy me pizza and chicken nuggets and chips and we'd ride on the seesaw and the swings but at the moment i don't have a mummy and i can't do any of that and it's sad because i really want a mummy i do i do i do and i know if i had a mummy i would be happy and stuff and i would love my mummy and she would love me back and stuff. licia

a new week
dear journal:

this morning we watched the lion king 3.

it was actually really good. I prefered it to the second one.

anyway, the important thing is i've now seen them both and can return the dvds to aisha.

their were no oranges today, so we had some other various chopped fruit. pears, apples, and strawberries. it was diffrent, and actually realy nice to have such a wide variety of fruit.

watching the lion king and eating fruit. could it get much better?

after the lion king, we watched 2 episodes of so random on disney channel, (we had a bit of a disney morning!)

then we turned our computer on, checked our emails, and read some funny jokes.

we saw a guy called mark today. mark is the safety inspector. he made us anxious when he came in our room and started asking lots of questions about how we found our room, and if we felt we need anything like grab rails or anything like that.

we turned away for most of the conversation, and tried to keep our answers short and to the point.

luckily, the music man came and saved us from the inspector type guy (I don't know what to call him)

the music man was very loud, and he made us anxious when he did a song by van morrison whicch was extremely loud.

he also did a song from simon and garf uncle, and a few we've been working on.

we are certainly going to stop having him come up to sing for us. it's too loud, and it makes us too anxious.
fiona said she phoned the puppy people, and they need to come and assess us to see if we can have a weekly therapy dog come and visit us.

she also said that she could buy us a KFC on friday if that is what we wanted (which it is, because we didn't get it last week when we should have)
we've not got round to doing much else yet, later on we are going to eat chicken kiev with crinkly chips, and we are going to watch robocar poli, which is a new animated cartoon series about a rescue team.

it might be good, who knows. it is animated, so probably

also need to check our forums, as we've not done it yet.

rest of weekend
dear journal:

after our entry yesterday, it turned out we didn't catch up with emmerdale (actually we didn't have any episodes of emmerdale left to watch, jumping ahead, you see!)

we watched little charmers which was a fun little cartoon, and then in the afternoon was torn between watching come dine with e or the wheel, but ended up watching the wheel. it's a survival show, where people have to survive in diffrent extremes. it's not bad, it's quite boring, but it's also interesting to see how they survive.

alex did the rota with us.

so now we have done it until next sunday.

he read us horrid henry, which was an interesting story- horrid henry's school fair.

where henry gave away his presents to the fair, cheated at the treasure game, won what he thought was a super soker, but it turned out to be the gift he gave away, and which he didn't like. horrid henry is always good, and well, horrid. lol

saturday afternoon was actually a reason to celebrate.

we found out that phil (who we didn't like), was leaving.

okay, so, not really a reason for people to celebrate (someone leaving), but in this case, we really didn't get on, and to celebrate we watched peppa pig and ben and holly's little kingdom

we were going to watch a new show called robo car pony, but the channel messed up, advertising it to start at 4 30, but actually it wasn't due to start until next week.

for dinner we had lam steaks. lamb steaks we had never had before, and were... well we're not sure.

we didn't really like them (like if someone asked us, we wouldn't say oh yeah we want lamb steaks), but we didn't hate them either.

they didn't taste how we expected them too, but what made it work was having it with chips.

in the evening we watched the rugby, and then we watched the new series of ant and dec's saturday night takeaway.

ant and dec was fun as usual. watching them go undercover to fool chef jamie oliver was amusing, and of course, the best part was win the ads where a woman won 16 prizes.

their was also ant versus dec where they dressed up as dinosaurs, and their was a giveaway.

they are giving away tickets to florida, and for the last show of the series they are going to be live from magic kingdom theme park.

that is even more spectacular than last year, when they had the last show from the cruise ship.

well, again we didn't sleep last night

today we had hannah come in with our breakfast. we checked emails and played our space game, and ate frazzels. it wasn't really any diffrent from any other day.

the fire alarm was tested too, and hannah sat with us while it was.

we saw sarah in the afternoon. god, we hate her positivity.

you could get run over by a bus, and to her their'd still be something good that comes out of it.

urg, urg, urg!. you know what?. we hate eternal optomists, well when you're us and you're suffering without therapy and without medication, the last thing you need is someone standing in the doorway clearing lying to you

oh, i'm glad the week went as planned, i'm glad it went well with aisha, did it?

what part of the week actually went good.

all the flashbacks, the dissociation or the constant isolation (or maybe it was not being checked for 2 days)

and aisha well, we said what we thought of wednesday, and it's certainly not how you make it out. maybe we'll just stop writing the weekly emails because it's getting us nowhere
urg!. positivity!

ant and dec are back!
dear journal:

today is an exciting day, ant and dec's saturday night takeaway is back (tonight at 7 PM)

we're be watching it for sure. we never miss it

yesterday we had a flashback.

a doctor we knew who messed up an operation.

well our mother used to be a child minder and look after kids, and the mother (elizabeth) had to go in for an operation.

well, in short, the doctor messed up her operation and couldn't bring her back round afterwards

she ended up dying, and it was reall sad. not just because she was a nice person, but also because the poor kids didn't have a mother anymore

(and of course it didn't help us any in trusting doctors)

we didn't sleep again yesterday, making it another whole week without sleep (how many weeks is that now?. we forget, but a lot)

today, we were meant to have our shower at 7 30, but we didn't.

what happened is that no one did the rota with us this week, so it wasn't written in the diary.

even though we thought he might rmember himself, he didn't.

for breakfast we had oranges and a summer fruit drink.

phil braught in our breakfast (who we've asked not to work with), never the less we still ate our breakfast and then checked our emails.

we had 2 from toyah.

1 was in response to something fiona had sent her, and another one was in response to stuff we'd asked her to look in to.

well, it turns out that we wrote back a really long reply, and started rambling too (I think we're heading for another flashback, and just needed to share the information)

we also expressed our disgust of not having a KFC, and not being given a valid reason.

she is coming to see us next on wednesday.

I know we'll have a good chat. we always do!

well after we've written this entry, we are going to catch up on emmerdale (probably), have someone read us a horrid henry story, shower, have our dinner- tonight we are having lamb steaks, which we've never had before so we will let you know how they taste

and then we will watch ant and dec.

we can't wait for ant and dec, it will be a good show as always.

and of course, later, we will write about what ant and dec were like, and what our lamb tasted like.

the cook says they are like bief burgers, which gives us hope that they may actually be nice.

do wish we had KFC though.

still really sad and depressed about that.

another letdown
dear journal:

today, friday the 24th febuary, was another one of those depressing, nothing happened type days.

in the morning, vicky came in to give us our breakfast. we had oranges again for breakfast, and a summer fruit drink.

we are enjoying having oranges for breakfast, it beats sausages (we like sausages of course), but they were always not cooked properly, and it was actually making us quite ill after we'd eaten them.

well, we went on our forum and checked emails.

we had radio atlantis onm because we like atlantis. it will always be our fave station, despite any others we might find.

we had no one check on us all day, in fact with the acception of vicky, the only other person we saw was fiona later in the afternoon.

in the afternoon we caught up with emmerdale, and ate our last packet of skips. (we have to order more, like we do the after eights)

iyr conversation with fiona was good, and we told how we felt and talked about the outcome from the meeting with toyah on tuesday.

fiona suggested that we get a puppy dog, who could come and visit us once a week (therapy dog), which we agreed and said we'd like a black labrador.

she is going to work on it for us, though we're not going to get our hopes up because nothing ever works out for us.

louchia was so loud this afternoon, really loud. we wished we could have gone out their ourselves and strangled her. that's how bad it was, and when no one is with her, or supporting her, it makes it worse.

we were going to have KFC for dinner, but we ended up having turkey dinosaurs.

alli who was going to get us KFC was stopped from bringing it in, which upset us. we don't often look forward to anything, but we were looking forward to that, for an entire week.

it really depressed us and it made us upset.

now we are listening to atlantis and playing our space game.

atlantis is playing elvis pressley

we love elvis, a lot.

we went on our forum and posted lots of messages in the depression section, 1 in BDD, several in dissociative disorders, and 1 in eating disorders.

the cook came in while we were posting, and asked us what we wanted for dinner.

we were very distracted because of posting, and the cook sugested that we have hash browns and popping chicken which we agreed too.

the fire alarm went off for a long time. we had harriet in here supporting us, and after the fire alarm finished, she left.

actually, no one checked on us for the remainder of the day. no one, and it felt lonely.

actually, here's the funny thing:

when people check on us usually it's to ask us the question, do you want a drink?, and we get so tired of it (so actually, we kind of enjoy the days when people arn't bothering us), but it's also lonely and worrying, because it is in our support plan that people should check on us hourly

maybe people are realising that 9 times out of 10, we don't need anything. or maybe they are just too busy for us.

for most of today, we played our space adventure game which we like.

we also listened to a lot of radio atlantis, and we drank some bottles of fruit juice.

toyah just emailed us again and we're going to respond to her.

chat later

connect 4
dear journal:

yesterday, we had chris supporting us.

for dinner, we had chicken with curly fires and garlic bread. we are a little upset that we didn't have pizza, but the chicken was diffrent, and actually quite nice.

we're not sure what type of chicken it was, but we hope we will be able to have it again at some stage.

we didn't press the alarm straight after dinner, as our friend tara messaged us and asked if we wanted to play a game.

we said we did, and we played a game of farkle, which she won.

we did not discuss much with tara, she's actually really stable at the moment, and that's good, because it means she can help us if we need it.

after the game of farkle we pressed the alarm and switched channels on tv so we could watch elena of avilor, which had just started on disney junior.

actually, we saw the episodes before on disney channel, and we even have a dvd of it, but watching on disney junior is just another experience.

well, first of all we tuned to the wrong channel and nearly missed it.

but we realised our mistake and we tuned in to the correct channel.

wel ove elena of avilor, it really calms us down, and it makes us smile (not may things make us smile)

we didn't actually get to play with the peppa pig toy, because it wasn't braught in. i don't think the person who was meant to bring it in actually was working (or if she was, we didn't see her)

anyway, back to the evening where it took half an hour for someone to come and take our plate.

cfhris apologized, and told us that the reason was that the pagers wern't working.

we had a summer fruit drink, and we had some skips as well.

oh yeah, we also had our after eight mints, and we need to order somem ore. actually though, we are going to wait until we have run out of stuff.

kathrine our soical worker emailed us stuff from the council, about 1 of our accounts going in to debt. but we kindly pointed out that we couldn't do anything about it, we didn't understand it, and could she message someone like sarah who did.

we say it all the time, people want us to manage our own finances, but then they don't help us to manage them.

today, we had alex support us in the morning. we had our oranges for breakfast, and we watched emmerdale where aaron and robbert were getting married.

we spent a lot of the morning on our forums, mainly responding to daily check in threads, and responding to someone's private message.

someone on the site posted ages ago that she was afraid of death, and a lot of us (forum members), including ourselves, responded. she just wanted to say hi, and try and make friends.
we also met a new lady called jane, but she didn't stop long.

her voice sounded a little like natasha's, but then maybe we're saying that because we are so scared of her, and that was the first thing that registered.

at 11 o clock, we met a lady called aisha.

she sat next to us, and she askedu s if we wanted to play a game of connect 4 with her.

it was actually really scary having someone sit so near us, and we tried our best to look the other way and stuff. she lightly touched our hand once, and apart from that, we just played the game.

it was a draw, and afterwards she asked if we liked watching the lion king, and we said we did. aisha suggested that on friday she could bring the lion king 2 dvd in, so we can watch it.

we agreed and hopefully that is what is going to happen.

we told her about the lion guard and she said she might watch it with her son james.

this afternoon we are going to watch so random, and possibly the good karma hospital (or the wheel), wee have not yet decided.

we still need to sort out food, as the cook has not come to see us yet.

a triggering tuesday
dear journal:

today, it's tuesday.

we thought it was monday, but no, it's deffenetly tuesday

we saw hannah this morning and she braught us our breakfast of oranges and a drink of tropical crush.

we ate it all and then she came back to discuss dinner with us, because later we had a meeting with our mental health advicate and didn't want to be disturbed by the cook.

we decided to have chicken and curly fries, so hannah went to write that down.

we listened to radio atlantis until toyah our advicate came.

toyah is always a pleasure to talk too, as she really helps and it's good to vent.

we told her that we felt irritable, because we had 6 flashbacks in 2 days which was very draining on us, and it messed a lot with our memory.

we went through the assessment that kathrine our social worker had written up, we found that their were a few mistakes in it, and also that our general medical records had been messed with, and things were put in their that didn't apply to us (and that annoyed us a lot!).

toyah asked us if alex had found our dvd copy of prozac nation, and we told her not yet. we hope soon, though.

we discussed family, and what kathrine had written about daily support.

it turns out she knows very little about us, and it triggered us and made us feel trapped, especially with the errors in the medical records.

we gave toyah a list of things we were afraid of regarding a trip to the mannor, and she is going to share them with hannah, and feed back to us on action points.

she also asked us about our alters and we discussed how long they were with us, and also what medications we were previously on.

we were actually able to say the names of the medications, which was a big step for us, because using mental health words is difficult for us, despite us suffering.

I told her we had been on our forum and we were talking about death and if people feared it. this led to a conversation about aspergers, and also about the circle of life.

when she left, we felt very upset and very triggered by stuff that she'd said to us, and stuff that kathrine had assumed.

we went on our forum to discuss it, and then we watched emmerdale.

this afternoon, we are going to play with a peppa pig toy, providing it is braught in.

we are also going to hear from toyah with some stuff she wants to follow up.

monday's music session
dear journal:

the music man has just been up to our room to do some songs

we were going to do a heart felt line or 2 by joan baez, but he left it at home.

so we ended up doing a song by tom jones, and also 2 other songs that we'd worked on before, but he thought we could have them again

it was very loud as usual, and at various points we glanaced across at fiona, hoping she'd get the message that we wanted it to stop.

but we are thinking of stopping it anyway. it's too loud, and it makes us far too anxious.

though we like music, we feel we're better off without it- as fiona said afterwards, it's what ever makes you feel safe.

we had a bit of a long chat after the music man left, and discussed last week.

it is so nice to see her back. we like fiona, she is very understanding and stuff.

dear journal:

so after our flashbacks on saturday, everything for us was very draining.

on sunday morning we had sammy joe supporting us. when she came with our breakfast, she said that she was up this end, as well as ashley (who is 1 of the newer members of staff)

we were actualyl meant to have chelsea supporting us, but we wern't told where she was- even if she was in.

actually, we wern't checked much on sunday morning. sammy joe checked on us until like 11, and then in not past that time.

in the afternoon, we caught up with emmerdale (as we had 2 episodes we'd not yet seen from the week), and then we saw tazmin who had some packages for us.

she had the cd of the bradshaws which we ordered, and also an english copy of to save a life (which is a movie we like from 2010)

actually, we had this movie back at our old place, but our parents destroyed it. then when we tried to repurchase it, we could only find the moviei n german, but we had a german copy for a while (it had an english option on it, so we played it on the computer)

now though, we have a proper english copy of it

we watched it after we watched coach trip, and found it really difficult as the movie to safe a life has a lot of feelings in it that we feel too.

the movie is about jake and his best friend rodger takes his own life, and jake is left to deal with the aftermath.

he decides to become a christian, to help him cope. he enjoys spending time at the church, and he meets a lot of good, understanding people.

he also has a girlfriend called amy, who is supportive of him to an extent, but finds it hard when jake keeps mentioning about rodger.

other things happen in the movie too that are triggering, such as jake's parents getting a divorce, and amy become pregnant on the school field.

the ending is very hard to watch, because jake decides to take his life after a bomb threat at the school.

he is stopped though, and everything works out.

the movie has a lot of flashbacks to rodger's death, and it also explores the feelings of a suicidal person, why they might choose to do it, and what they are thinking at the time.

we know from past experience, thatg suicide is real, and even more so for us.

we have tried 6 times, and we know that we are serious about it.

1 of the sceens in to save a life is a flashback to just before rodger pulls the tgrigger. he is saying how he feels and how he'd be better off dead. we have those feelings too, and know exactly what he is going through

as we said, it is hard to watch, but it is good as well, and uplifting, because everything works out for jake and amy.

we also love the music at the end, hero by superchick. it has such a good message in the lyrics.

for dinner we had roast chicken, roast potatoes and batters.

we didn't really enjoy it much, because we didn't get much chicken, the potatoes were lumpy, and we only got 2 batters.

but, on the plus side, we did have some mint sauce- which we always have on roast dinner regardless of the meat, and we had a summer fruits drink.

actually, because we wern't checked much on sunday, not many people braught in drinks.

I suppose it's a good thing we have our fruit shoots, and j2o's- and other stuff too.

in the evening we had a flashback, to a time where we were sitting at home in the kitchen (on a sunday morning), and our family were punching us, and hitting us, and telling us how we'll never be anything, and that we might as well just fall off the face of the earth.

funny thing is, they are actually right. we are 30, and we've not even visited a seaside, a supermarket, got 1 qualification, played on the swings/ slide,, nothing

hell, our childhood, growing up, was terrible (and that's not even including our first suicide attempt)

we have missed out on so many experiences, that young adults would have had by now (hell, even children)

we've not even visited a theme park, and that is something we would do if we wern't agroaphobic.

even our sister (our real outside sister), has visited a theme park. 2 theme parks, in fact, and a zoo.

we got no sleep sunday, because ofo ur imsomnia, and because we were thinking about how right our family was to judge us, and how actuallyy, we'd never be anything.

today we are feeling quite depressed. we had our breakfast early, and then we watched 2 episodes of peppa pig and an episode of snake boss, where a lady called julia goes to australia to deal with snakes in people's houses.

we're not actually scared of snakes, which is weird, because a lot of people are

we had vicky today supporting us, but she had to go out, and now we have donna.

this afternoon, we have asked that we have alex, because he is going to bring in a cd of the best of dean martin, which he has coppied for us.

in a moment we are going to see paul the music man, who usually sings 3 or 4 songs to us.

he is actually quite loud and it makes us fritened, but fiona is with us, and we know if we want him to stop, we can just look in fiona's direction, and she will get the message and ask the music man to stop.

sarah the cook came to ask us what we wanted for dinner, and we chose fish fingers and curly fries.

she stood their repeating it for like 5 minits, which annoyed us
she then came back and knockedo n our door to say that she had some fish fingers, and tonight we were having fish fingers and curly fries. (for the 50th time)

that annoys us, and it depresses us.

but, at least she didn't ask us if we wanted a drink. everyone asks us that, even people that arn't meant too, and it gets annoying.